Brain HairBalls

The things that go on in my head need a safe place to express themselves. Otherwise, I'm running with scissors.

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Thursday, January 12

Free War Gifts

When you fight for the terrorists you get these cool freebie gift bags!

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Monday, January 9

The Lottery Pipe Dream

I think the only reason I haven’t won the lottery yet is because God likes to play jokes on people who win and see what happens to them afterward. It’s like having an Ecclesiastical Fish Tank, only with humans as His little minion fish.

I knew only of 1 person that won the lottery. Well, I didn’t actually “know” him, he worked for the same company I did. He was a nice guy but his marriage was going sour for quite a while. From all the water cooler gossip, she was messing around on him with more than one person. It went on for too long (according to his workmates with their good advice) so that finally the words stuck and they separated. Like most passive men, he let her take whatever she wanted, which pretty much was everything they had and then he drug his feet in following up on the due process necessities. I think you know where this is going. After about 5 or 6 months of their separation he finally decided to get papers drawn up. Before she was ever served he won the lottery. Not much, I think it was around 5 or 6 million. Pretty aggravating isn’t it? We all actually felt sorry for a real lottery winner.

I think it would be difficult to really win the lottery. All of a sudden EVERYONE is your friend or plaintiff. You know all the needs of your entire family and every time you speak to them on the phone you notice a sort of whine in their voices. You realize after your 50th promise to be of help that you will actually have nothing left for yourself to enjoy. OR. You quickly go out and buy your dream: car; house; yacht; vacation; etc. and EVERYONE is giving you the cold shoulder at holiday gatherings. In YOUR home.

Then you have EVERY financial advisor, media person, magazine offer, starving screen writer, priest, minister and rabbi in your front lawn (if you even have a lawn). You have to change the phone number you’ve had for XX years then have to decide who NOT to call with your new private number. Your family members begin to talk about you behind your back in ways you never could imagine and you realize you totally forgot to feed the salt water fish in your aquarium for 3 weeks.

Seems like the only people who are glad to see you work on commission. Since you’ve quit your day job, you’ve never been so busy fending off beggars, liars, cheats. You might as well go back to work in divorce court. Then the IRS pays a visit. It gets uglier. Insurance salesmen have located you.

You haven’t had a good nights sleep since you told off that idiot co-worker you had to deal with all day in the cubicle next to yours. You remember the incident fondly. Your nerves are shot with all the decisions you have to make on where to put all this money since the banks are insured only to certain amounts and depending on how much you win you may end up with more banks than you know exist and don’t know how to keep track of.

The mail man refuses to deliver to your home anymore since he had to file that workman’s comp claim for his bad back in delivering the heavy volumes of mail you are getting at ever increasing loads. You now have to go to the Post Office and get it yourself with your new pickup. Everyone in the local Post Office knows who drives that shiny new Hemi pickup and they don’t like you because one of their buddy’s is now on paid leave and they have to pick up his slack and drive home in their aging Plymouth Valiant’s and Buick Le Sabre’s with the vinyl roof that’s peeling off. Your mail is a BIG part of the slack they have to heave around. You invest, wisely, in a bulletproof vest. You can’t manage to get through all your mail to find your real bills and are now getting collection calls of all things. Ironically, it’s affecting your credit negatively.

Your financial advisor calls for a meeting and you have no idea what he’s saying because you’ve never gone financially further than using your ATM card. You’re beginning to wonder why he wears multiple gold chains, pinky rings, has a chauffeur and calls you Holms.

After winning $6 Million the Feds take 33% and the State takes another 15%. You pay off you’re accumulated debt of say $17,000 (very modest figure in today’s world) which leaves you with $3,400,000. You’re approximately 34 years old which means you have about $100,000 a year to spend. You’re average small size Apartment in CA runs you $1,300 a month rent which leaves you with $84,400 for the basics like food, utilities, dining out, clothing, medical, dental (since you quit work you have no more medical insurance) auto insurance, The new Hemi truck with all the bells and whistles cost you about $35,000. When you MODESTLY calculate all the above monthly costs, your annual spendable is $52,000 which brings you in the red by $2,600. Naturally, anyone who wins the lottery thinks they are rich beyond belief so the Modest figures aren’t really going to be the reality which will bring your annual yearly spendable to roughly around 30 years. Which means that you will be out of a job and out of money by 64.

Oh, but wait. We didn’t think to help out the family and friends in dire need yet. Uh oh. You want to help your mom/dad by getting them a new car that you don’t have to help jump starting their junker every other day. So modestly, there’s another $25,000. Your sister is working full time and going to school so you pay for her apartment which runs $850 a month till she’s done with school in 3 years. That’s $30,600. You’re best friend had no medical insurance and totaled his car spending 3 weeks in the hospital. You help him to the tune of $50,000, after all, he is your BEST friend. That’s $5,600 more than one year of income so looks like your down to 62.5 years.

Your financial advisor, tax man and PR person aren’t cheap either. We better bring you down to 55 years over the life of the general work provided. At that point you won’t be eligible for retirement and you really wouldn’t have worked all those years so forget unemployment or disability. If you thought to invest in an IRA you may have some spare change to get you though in a retirement home.

If you thought to invest in some real estate you never counted on property tax, repairs, maintenance, and improvements costs over the years. You’re down to 45 years old. The first 2 years after winning the lottery has made you a bit of a drunk if not a full blown dope fiend. We’re at 37 years old after we count up the cost of the hanger’s oner’s and sucking up their tabs. So basically, you win 6 Million dollars at 34 which lasts 3 years then you’re out of a job, broke, going through rehab and have no friends. Don’t waste your time on lottery tickets. Send your 3 or 4 dollars to me. I’ll make something out of it!

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Friday, January 6

Wonderful Husband Again!

My sweetheart bought me anniversary flowers January 1st. They were such a georgous color!! They were so eye catching. Isn't he wonderful?! They look like they're on fire here New Years Day. What a great way to start the New Year! Thank you Honey!

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Wednesday, January 4

Busy, busy, busy

Been way too busy dealing with anonymous husband’s and me’s health warranty that expired, to blog these last few days. (don’t even care about the bad grammer here). The year ended with both of us hitting the skids healthwise. Then we hit the bottles. At least there’s an upside. (more like loppsided)

Once we get all our lab tests back we can then appropriately plan our demise. I’m thinking to go out in a spectacular way. Like take out a $150,000 loan from the local mafia then heading first class to Venice, Italy and spend (quickly) like there’s no tomorrow. When the money’s gone and the vig is due we’ll just moon them. The accidental life (why don’t they get real and call it like it is – Death) insurance will kick in and the kids will be able to throw money away like we’ve done all our life.

That’s plan # 1.

Plan # 2 is when we find out we’re both a couple of hypocondriacs we’ll go see a nutritionist to get our hormones back in shape and lose the spare tractor tires. We may have to cut back on the wine. Uh, no. We may have to increase our exercise. (what? We exercise??) Okay, we’ll eat less avocados and Mexican food. Deal.

Well, gotta rush out for my MRI, take in a good hour at the physical therapists and head over to the gastroenterologists. Whew, and I thought the holidays were tough!

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Kermit, have you seen the cat???

Kermit, what did you do with the kitten I just bought?

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Friday, December 30

I Think He Was Serious

There's no way you would ride around with this misspelling unless you rearry thought it was spelled that way. This is just politically incorrect. Rearry.

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Monday, December 26

Christmas Day - Sunday

Even HE thinks sermons are boring. Merry Christmas and Happy Hannuka anyway!

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Thursday, December 22

If Disney Invaded Iraq

Our troops would have been home by now. Disneyland, et al is a sanitized, tightly run organization with little tolerance for dissenters and disruptive individuals, groups, or gangs of ruffians.

First, they would have sent over the Pirates of the Carribean to pilage and plunder with abandon. It would have been a fast takeover since the pirates would realize too soon and too late that there was no alcohol in Iraq and the men word dresses. This would have been enough to send the pirates into a detox craze to capture Saddam, Bin Laden, and a host of other ‘ner-do wellers” so they could get back to their drunken debauched happy lives. That would have been the 1st day of war. They wouldn’t have been looking for weapons of mass destruction since that would have been their very purpose going over there. Mass destruction using their weapons. Which is mostly what Bush did.

Then, the thieving pirates would have locked up the resistance in the Haunted Mansion terrorist camp until they cried and repented because we know they’d never seen anything like that in the desert. Even after 40 days and nights. Throwing in ghost images of 40 vestigial virgins would make them crazed and never wanting to leave the “Mansion”. Plastering the place with photos of Charles Manson would really cinch the deal.

Day 3: Disney guides would have been dispersed to every city, town, village, cave and hovel in Iraq to begin the propaganda machine like every large corporation. They’d say things like Please make one line only for the pipebomb ride or Two must sit together in every cattle car, please hold the handrail while we buckle you in. They’d have everyone clamoring to line up for the “Tiki-Tiki” room located in Tikrit appropriately. Inside, there’d be another one of those little Disney tricks of shrinking walls and ceilings. Those silly heads.

The majority of the Iraqis would have been on their knees in fear watching human sized Mice, Dogs, and Gigantic Midgets walking through their villages. They would have happily given away the location of the insurgents for fear of the giant fleas they could catch from Pluto and Mickey. Grumpy, Happy and Dopey would have been one dwarf too many to take. They would have run out of the country to Israel for protection.

The actual prison would be a replica of “It’s a Small World” where the music would be playing repeatedly until they converted to Christianity, estimated time for conversion – 3 hours, 2 minutes. For the hard core prisoners add 6 repetitious rides on “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride”, that would take care of Phase Two conversions. Then we could disassemble “Torture Land” and be out of there.

The only bloodshed would have been from Iraqi nosebleeds after riding on the aerial tram in the hot sun or from Space Mountain when they clawed at each other when Big Foot jumped out at them. You can only imagine how scary life would be for the Iraqis who have never even seen snow or Big Foot.

The happiest place on earth would then be the Disney Stockholders meeting. Anyone up for a ride to Never Never Land?

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Just Shoot Me

Nothing says Holiday cheer like getting your photo taken with Santa!

He looks like he's one crying baby over the top. If that isn't a cry for a holiday coctail of Zanax and Jim Beam nothing is!!

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Monday, December 19

Britney Kicks Federline OUT!

Even the Airline won't let him ride with them. He has to ride behind Air Ho.

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Sunday, December 18

Happy Church Day!

May there be Peas on Earth, Good Will Hunting.

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Thursday, December 15

Kids Letters to Santa - Answered

deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space rainjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a life long career in prison. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? Pay attention in school and stop being such a loser. I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!


Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Polly

Dear Polly,

Maybe some rose colored glasses will go good with that Pollyanna outlook! Haven’t you heard about Iraq? Terrorists? Jesse Jackson? Get a clue and check into the ROTC school program.


Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. That is what I want in the whole wide world.

Love, Kathie

Dear Kathie,

I’m SANTA kid, not Mother Teresa! Your dad's too busy jumping the bones of that neighbor lady with the hooters like two fantastic air balloons. They're banging each other like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to some fat ass lazy slob who just sits around all day eating bon bons and sucking her fingers after her daily dose of the Colonel’s Original Recipe? I’ll get you a Barbie and Ken doll. Use your imagination to work things out.


Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drumkit,a pony and a tuba.

Love, Maggie

Dear Maggie,

Who names their kid "Maggie" nowadays? Why not Bertha or Tinequa. Anyway, all those things you asked for are for boys. HELLO! What the hell is wrong with you?! I’ll bet you have a mullet too. I can’t aid and abet junior dykes. I’ll be giving you NADA!


Dear Santa,

I left you some milk and homemade chocolate chip cookies for you under the tree, and I left some carrots for your reindeer too in a paper bag.

Love, Carol

Dear Carol,

Milk gives me the shits and chocolate gives me ass pimples. Carrots make the deer fart so when I’m riding in the sleigh downwind I’m ready to pass out. I’ll use the paper bag to puke in after I eat the cookies. Next time you want to do me a favor think smart. Two words, Jim Beam.
Thanks for nothing.


Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Jose

Dear Jose,

I didn’t know I had a friend named Jose. I hate that name. Sounds like you’re one consonant away from getting hosed this year! All the toys are made by little kids like you in Honduras. Every year I give them a box of condoms as a Christmas bonus and to stop the tide of wetbacks. The rest of the year I spend in Thailand where the girls are plentiful, subservient and eager to please. Booze, beaches, babes. That makes up for all the crap I have to do on Christmas for greasy little toy fiends like you.


Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

I can’t believe you’re that naïve. What kind of an idiot do you think I am. Like I care whether you’re awake or not. Get a life. Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.


Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?


Hey Timmy,

Your whining is getting on my last nerve. That begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap really, really ANNOYS me. You're getting another ugly wool sweater again. If you get it wet it’ll smell like a puppy. Enjoy.


Dear Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how can you get into our home?

Love, Johnnie


First, grow up and stop calling yourself Johnnie, that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the gang members do, through your mom’s open window.

Sweet Dreams, Santa

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Wednesday, December 14

A Good Holiday Happy Ending Story

I found the most amazing true story HERE that, in a sad way, actually made me feel good. A 12 year old Ethiopian girl was kidnapped by 7 men and beaten but her whimpering cries drew the attention of lions who came to her rescue until the police and her parents found her. That is such an amazing story. I love to read miracle stories, and not just at holiday time.

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Bush Says He's Sorry

Well I guess that just makes 2000+ lives worth it then right? Wrong. I am not falling for the "new" image his spinmakers are pushing here. Its just wrong. Maybe Bush should have just let the CIA, Green Berets, or Bounty Hunters stop Saddam and thereby saving lives, money, US economy and his poll standing. Hey! I think I'm ready for a government job!

Well no. I think I'm too smart for one. Yep. That's it.

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Tuesday, December 13

Early Christmas Present for Fat Boy

My Fatty Boy Mac was mesmerized by his hot new battery operated magnetic fishbowl. He watched it (very closely at times) and batted it around a bit. It was a good time for all. Merry Christmas Macky! This was the most activity I've seen him do lately. Good workout Mac!!

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Monday, December 12

Horoscope of the Day - Leo

Enter Leo the Lion. Need we say more? Who even wants to converse with a lion even when you know they’ve been fed. If you’re looking for a confrontation, you came to the right star sign. It’s your way or choosing a vat of poisonous snakes for company.

They like loud and colorful garments. In other words they want to be in the limelight but can also be found frequently in the red light districts. You are passionate, domineering, obnoxious and a show off. Born with leadership skills and then some you are still very happy to lead only your own life and let everyone else work. You are charming, self-assured and like to buy mirrors.

You tend to be overly dramatic and emotional to distraction. If ignored, you can be a big spoiled brat, given to childish behavior until you get your way. You can get very coldhearted in a bighearted way. Your love of fashion makes you an expensive date. You like fine restaurants and want others to wash your car and answer your phone.

You love artwork, jewelry and credit cards and prefer then to be deposited at your feet. The Lion is Kingly or Queenly or even gay. You love to exercise because you like being seen in your leopard leotards. You have vision, and the ability to buy designer sunglasses to suit your vision. Leo’s know how to live, how to decorate, what to wear and how to annoy. The last time there was a Leo – Leo mating there was heavy volcanic activity.

What is wrong with this sign? Fake fainting (for attention); induced vomiting, induced labor, big fingernails, inability to play the piano and pill popping.

Friends: Geishas, 18th Century cross dressers, Over Achievers, Dentists, Plastic Surgeons

Dangerous Liaisons: Legumes, Prison, Piano Recitals, Deserted Islands

Best Day off Work Lie: If I tell you I’m going to have to kill you.

Lucky Flower: Black Dahlia’s

Best Way to Relax: Playing bongo drums at 3am

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Saturday, December 10

And Then God Spoke

Its a nice church but some assembly is required.

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Friday, December 9

Recent Studies Reveal All

I've been advised that recent studies have shown that even small puppies have been overcome with boredom when reading this blog.

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Another Cruise in the Works

No. Not Tom Cruise, Katie or the Medically Implanted Fetus. A floating on the open seas cruise with family. We've booked a Scandanavian Baltic cruise for May. Should be fun traveling with our usual suspects. Aunty G and John, Dad and Mil, H&H, hubby and I. We had sooo much fun in Sicily together a couple years ago. Heading to Russia with our group should be a riot. Hope we stay out of Siberian prisons.

We're taking Carnivore Cruise Lines. Here's a photo of our last fun outing. Thanks to this site for taking our photo.

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